Use mindfulness to respond to stress instead of overreacting

Most men react to stress with anger and irritability. It’s the same way men handle anxiety, and any other intense emotional experience that challenges the ego, which makes you wonder if it’s in our DNA.

I say ‘our’ because I’m as guilty as anyone to reacting instead of responding. In reality, I’d prefer to respond in a calm, thoughtful manner, but it’s harder than it looks, even when you know all the tools.

Of all the fundamentals of health, managing stress can be the most difficult because it takes practicing, and practicing takes time, and a lack of time is part of the problem. Enter mindfulness.

Coming back to the present

Don't worry I’m not talking about meditating. Mindfulness is simply a way to become more aware of the present. That’s it, that’s the definition.

If anxiety stems from thoughts about the future, and depression from thoughts about the past, then feeling calm is found in the present. Mindfulness—whether it’s meditation, yoga, or walking outside without headphones—will put your mind at ease by bringing your attention to the “here and now” as they say. Being present is the secret to responding thoughtfully instead of reacting harshly.

Mindfulness as a practice

The challenge with my prescription for mindfulness is that it’s not effective on an as needed basis. You can’t just tell yourself to think about the present when you’re already pissed-off and emotional.

Mindfulness requires consistent practice before it can be applied to a high-stress situation. It’s a skill that needs to be developed when you’re not stressed so that you can rely on it when you are.

That said, you don’t need to sit on a pillow for an hour every morning or join a silent meditation retreat in India like the one in Eat, Pray, Love. Thank god. All it takes to begin a mindfulness practice is to start paying attention to your self and your surroundings, on purpose, without judgement.

A challenge

The best way to understand how mindfulness works is to experience it for yourself. Here’s an experiment to try tonight in the shower:

• Start by noticing what’s going on around you as you drop into the present moment. Pay attention to what you hear, see, smell, and taste. Feel the warm water against your skin and notice the steam, and the smell of the soap. How does your body feel after the day? Where is there tension? How fast is your breathing? Just notice.

There you go, you're practicing mindfulness because you’re noticing instead of the usual thinking, judging, and planning.

Comparing your response

Contrast that experience with your typical 10 minute shower that probably involves dwelling on a future project, or things you wish you did differently that day. In that case, you’re lost in thought, which ignites stress. This habit feels productive as your mind bounces around all the possible outcomes of the future, but it’s preventing you from relaxing. Plus, ruminating takes the stress from the day and compounds it with yesterday's dilemmas, which is how acute stress becomes chronic. No wonder we tend to overreact.

Which type of headspace do you think will lead to better ideas? Or help you prepare for sleep? Or improve your mood?

Takeaway

Our example of mindfulness in the shower offers an experience that isn’t diluted with thoughts about next week, or a heightened concern for your low-back pain, or even excessive worry about going to work tomorrow. For a few minutes, or even just a few seconds, you become more aware of the act of showering. You get to experience life in the moment—a gift I genuinely hope you can find because something unexpected happens when you start to pay attention to the physical sensations, perceptions, thoughts and imagery of the present: gradually, the mind quiets.

The benefits of mindfulness compound over time. As you spend more of your day in the present, you stop struggling to control, or change, or dwell on imperfections. Instead, you accept who you are and where you are in the current course of your life. You’re able to tolerate negative thoughts, undesired circumstance, or difficult people. You respond in a way that reflects your values.

All this talk about mindfulness makes me think of Anne Lammot who said, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you."