How your values impact your reactions

The expression 'In the heat of the moment' is used as an excuse when you're angry and you say or do something without thinking. The heat part may bring up an image of an angry, red face, but to me, it's your nervous system revving up and burning fuel to energize you to react.

Last night at 3 am, I tried not to react to my one-month-old son while he cried as I attempted to change his diaper. The incident forced me to turn on the light, further suppressing melatonin, while pull-starting my mind three hours too early. Late-night diaper changes are one of my first tests as a parent and I'm already struggling.

I knew exactly what to do, though, because I teach my patients how to handle this sort of stress all the time. So, there I was, inhaling for five seconds, exhaling for six seconds, in and out through my nose. Perfect form. I was also repeating the phrase I am calm in my head.

And how does Leland respond? In the three seconds of being diaperless he managed to pee all over my hands, the changing table, and the wall.

In the heat of the moment, I felt like screaming back. When I lose my patience, I tend to overreact and say or do things that I eventually regret. It's embarrassing. Being calm, however, is one of my core values, and I had already determined that it's how I want to respond as a dad when I lose my patience, regardless of how I feel.

Without these predetermined values, there's no guidance during a heated moment, there's just reaction, and a subconscious reaction is often ugly. Being calm has the opposite effect.

Things you value vs. your values

Reliable transportation is something you value because you care about getting from your house to your work. But it's not one of your values. Actual core values are the characteristics of the person you strive to be. These are constant, regardless if you're trying to get to work, or trying to be a better dad.

I like the brevity of Nir's definition:

"If someone can take it away from you, then it’s not one of your values."

My truck is valuable, but I value being calm.

What does this have to do with your health?

I help my patients move through the world in a way that reflects their core values. Many people value their health, for example, but sit too much throughout the day, don't eat enough fiber, and are magnesium deficient. So they aren't able to hike without pain or eat Mexican food without getting acid reflux.

Similarly, most people value their relationships but tend to overreact in trivial situations.

My goal is to help you uncover the ways that you are living in opposition to your values, but first, you need to define what those values are.

Choosing Core Values

I suggest you choose the first five values that stand out and then narrow those down to three that you want to focus on this month. What you don't want is 10 of these things floating around in your head, because you'll burn out and your attention will be spread too thin.

List of core values:

• Appreciative
• Healthy
• Loyal
• Leader
• Spiritual
• Humble
• Compassionate
• Honest
• Kind
• Integrity
• Selfless
• Determined
• Generous
• Courageous
• Trustworthy
• Altruistic
• Empathetic
• Tough
• Self-Reliant
• Attentive
• Friendly
• Creative
• Adaptable
• Helpful
• Adventurous
• Patient
• Comfortable
• Disciplined
• Loyal
• Brave
• Calm
• Grateful

Takeaway

What happens if you don't take the time to choose your values? Marketers, mavens, and Meta will decide for you, and they will be based on consuming instead of contributing.

Your values create a predetermined roadmap of how you want to navigate the unavoidable challenges of being human. One of my favorite examples of this is Jocko Willink's catchphrase "Discipline equals freedom."

• Core value = Discipline
• Reward = Freedom

Notice the phrase isn't "A reliable car equals freedom." That's because the reliable car can easily become unreliable, and Jocko knows from experience that your discipline can't be taken from you. Go ahead and try to take that guy's discipline! Values come from working hard, not spending more money.

When you don't take the time to define the characteristics of the person you wish to be, you default into a person you aren't proud of.

Conversely, when a friend asks you if you want to go ride a new bike park and your instinct is to say no, but then you think oh yeah, I want to be more adventurous...your answer becomes Yes! I'll go. It's easier to make decisions with value-based living.

It's also noticeable when someone prioritizes their values–they make confident decisions, they don't have to apologize all the time, and they're thoughtful. I think we're naturally drawn to these people because they seem genuine.

If you prioritize your values, your responses to life become predetermined, not reactive, and your actions will be consistent with the person you aspire to be. This is helpful when you're getting to work, or when you're getting peed on.

Next steps:

1) Make your core values actionable. Ex. "I respond calmly."

2) Practice when you're not stressed, and apply when you are.